muchas gracias

We're finally close enough to moved in that last night we slept at our new house! It feels magnificently wonderful to know that this house is our house and there are no roommates or upstairs or downstairs neighbors where I curse their every move or worry about mine. There's still work to be done. At a house that is mine, I'm assuming there will most always be work to be done. I'm OK with that. I'm ready to garden and clean and keep this house in tip-top shape.

John and I have taken a break from working this morning and decided to turn on the TV. The first channel on was playing The National Dog Show and we've been enthralled for the last hour. Maybe more. At least it's not trashy entertainment on VH1 that we usually enjoy.

Today I'm thankful for my new house, my lovely fiance, my cute puppy, my family and friends; showers and baking and delicious food and the list goes on.

♥k

face the facts

All I want right now is to be done with school. I've been more than unorganized and apathetic through this last semester and it's driving me insane. I'm almost embarassed of the work I turn in, but I can't seem to care.

But here's the kicker: Come January, when it's typically time for school to start back up, I won't know what to do with myself. Sure I'll have a wedding to plan and a job and a house to keep, but I've been doing that this semester. I'm used to being busy. It's comfortable, in a way.

What will I do when I don't have a paper deadline looming over my head? I just might go crazy. I took three summer classes in one session this past summer, and worked at the same time. When it was over, I was definitely relieved, but I had so much free time on my hands, it was just...weird. I've always been that way. Summer was much anticipated and enjoyed, but I was very ready for school again by August. So call me crazy.

It doesn't help that John will be touring most of the coming months, so I really need to come up with some new hobbies. I'm excited to read for fun again. I'll try to pick my knitting back up. I'll have my piano finally, so that will be nice. But, things like that tend to stress me out when I can't do them perfectly. Any suggestions on how you spend your free time off work?

Also, my new kitchen needs a backsplash. I'm pretty excited about this prospective DIY opportunity, but I want to be sure and find the perfect idea. I've come across a few that I like, but I'd love some links if you have any to share.

♥k

the coast is never clear

Flashbacks are few and far between these days, but when it happens, I wish he could understand what it's like. Sometimes I wish it never happened. But I know John wouldn't be in my life now if it hadn't, and that in itself makes up for everything.

Last night, a group of friends were discussing the idea that "everything happens for a reason." I'm a firm believer in that concept. And it's funny that was even discussed last night considering what followed.

Thoughts? Comments?

♥k

the world spins madly on

Packing my belongings has turned into a silent nostalgia.  THE RAD is practicing, so it's far from silent, but I'm in my own world back here.  I found an old notebook full of past posts Mom printed off my Xanga site.  (Talk about old school!)  I couldn't help but read over her selections, wondering what made her print one post over another.  And in looking back, I see that I looked at the world through a completely different lens than I do now.  

As I think about the girl I used to be, I can feel a knot form in my throat.  The knot that we all know far too well.  The knot that means I'm trying to hold back. The knot that knows I used to be more inspired by life.

My life as I know it is changing.  I closed on my first house on Monday.  I graduate from college in four weeks.  I have a job that I love that is a great start to my career.  I get married in six months to a talented, wonderful man.  He's leaving in two weeks to record an album in New York and gear up to spend the months leading up to our wedding on tour.

Over the last five years, I've been waiting for this time in my life.  I've been living for the life I'm about to have.  But it seems that in waiting for now, I've lost part of who I was.  I'd like to think it's just because I'm getting older, but I miss that part of who I was.  I posted on Xanga daily - not necessarily about anything of importance to most people, but I took the time to evaluate my day, my thoughts.  I took the time to notice the little things - little phrases in books that struck me or a line of lyrics that I made sure to write down.  I wasn't afraid of my feelings or my words or what inspired me.

I hate running from home to work to school to work to the house to make dinner to do the dishes to go to sleep and repeat the day again.  I want to be able to take the time out of life to live my life.  Hence, the creation of this blog.  It's about writing.  It's not about the bulletin announcing new tour dates or a youTube video that I robotically click on to pass the time.  I'm doing this for me.  For all that is my future, which couldn't be shining brighter.

♥k