the world spins madly on

Packing my belongings has turned into a silent nostalgia.  THE RAD is practicing, so it's far from silent, but I'm in my own world back here.  I found an old notebook full of past posts Mom printed off my Xanga site.  (Talk about old school!)  I couldn't help but read over her selections, wondering what made her print one post over another.  And in looking back, I see that I looked at the world through a completely different lens than I do now.  

As I think about the girl I used to be, I can feel a knot form in my throat.  The knot that we all know far too well.  The knot that means I'm trying to hold back. The knot that knows I used to be more inspired by life.

My life as I know it is changing.  I closed on my first house on Monday.  I graduate from college in four weeks.  I have a job that I love that is a great start to my career.  I get married in six months to a talented, wonderful man.  He's leaving in two weeks to record an album in New York and gear up to spend the months leading up to our wedding on tour.

Over the last five years, I've been waiting for this time in my life.  I've been living for the life I'm about to have.  But it seems that in waiting for now, I've lost part of who I was.  I'd like to think it's just because I'm getting older, but I miss that part of who I was.  I posted on Xanga daily - not necessarily about anything of importance to most people, but I took the time to evaluate my day, my thoughts.  I took the time to notice the little things - little phrases in books that struck me or a line of lyrics that I made sure to write down.  I wasn't afraid of my feelings or my words or what inspired me.

I hate running from home to work to school to work to the house to make dinner to do the dishes to go to sleep and repeat the day again.  I want to be able to take the time out of life to live my life.  Hence, the creation of this blog.  It's about writing.  It's not about the bulletin announcing new tour dates or a youTube video that I robotically click on to pass the time.  I'm doing this for me.  For all that is my future, which couldn't be shining brighter.

♥k